Anyway, fast forward to 2016, and Steve has arrived on your drive with a Kia Sportage. He must be doing OK for himself, you think (it is £31,650 OTR), and yet he is moving in circles where he doesn’t quite feel he belongs. This is a car that’s trying to look a bit beefier, more SUV-ish and ski slope-ready than it is. The snout has a curvaceous, American styling but the drive is a little diesel-ey and wheezy, not so much New Hampshire as regular Hampshire. So Steve has a little bit of status anxiety, you think. Maybe later you’ll test him at ping pong.
Steve is proud of his handsome children and consequently has bought a car with about a million airbags. You suspect his children are better than yours at most things; they probably haven’t even noticed that they have their USB chargers; they probably spent the journey talking about… geography. Yours are playing Clash of Clans.
Later, you run out of beer and Steve offers to run you to Tesco, because it was you who drank all the beer. You notice that, once the Kia has settled into its speed, it is confident, reliable and grippy. He overtakes effortlessly. Hating him, you take a little spin round the car park while he’s shopping. The steering is authoritative; the brakes are sharp. The cabin from the driver’s perspective is neat, blocky, and intuitive. The visibility isn’t excellent because the a-frame is a bit clunky, but there isn’t much to see apart from a trolley shelter.
It has a park assist system that can get you into anywhere. Leather seats aren’t just a waste of cow for people who hate themselves; they also provide superior comfort. The panoramic sunroof gives you a sense of problems lifting. You wonder whether he put his driving gloves on eBay, now that he has a heated steering wheel. He comes back with a load of beer and doesn’t say anything about you driving his car, pissed, around a car park. Why are you such a jerk, you wonder? The Kia Sportage is a beautiful car. Steve is OK.
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